


Gravity

by Azurite9925



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief, Integra's POV, Old Integra Hellsing, Pining, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Romance, Songfic, Young Integra Hellsing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 20:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11813166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azurite9925/pseuds/Azurite9925
Summary: Based on Sara Bareilles' song, "Gravity."Integra Hellsing has always found a friend, a lover, and a mentor within Alucard, and even when he's gone from her life, she can't help but remember him. He was her shadow. And she was his master. Surely, they weren't made to live without the other forever?





	Gravity

**Gravity**

 

_ Something always brings me back to you _

_ It never takes too long _

_ No matter what I say or do _

_ I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone _

  
  


It was a silent night, too silent, and Integra wondered if her thoughts were loud enough to get anyone’s attention. Not that there were many in the manor nowadays - only herself, Seras, a few guards, and her maids, Maria and Carmilla. While Integra was a creature of quiet, a part of her did miss the general hum of activity that used to be in the manor when the Wild Geese stayed with them. Unlike the other guards, they didn’t have homes in Britain, so they permanently stayed in the barracks, used the training rooms, walked around - some of the brave ones even said “good evening” to Integra.

One braided man in particular…

Integra shook her head and sighed, a part of her feeling pity for Seras - she knew the vampire treasured the captain, whether or not it was sexual. Seras had lost a lot during Millennium's second rise, her master, her friends, her students…

But Integra… she lost a part of her soul.

Stopping in front of the bottommost floor in the manor, she stared at the doorknob for a good minute before gingerly gripping and turning it, the creak breaking the silence around her.

The room was dark. Dead. Dusty. Abandoned, for over 8 years. Integra walked inside, quietly flipping on the switch, and started at the throne in the middle of the room. Alucard’s throne. She’d found him there, that day.

 

_ Integra’s heart raced, her throat clogging. A part of her wanted to cry in fear, wondering just where the hell Walter was, but she knew she couldn’t do that. Uncle Richard would find her, would kill her, if she didn’t make it to the basement.  _

_ “If you find yourself in trouble, your salvation will be in the deepest room in the manor.” _

_ Those were the very last words her father had given her, and she was intent on fulfilling them. Even if she had her pistol on her, Integra knew Uncle Richard could aim better than her, shoot faster than her. As she approached the door in question, she threw the doors open, allowing the yellowed lights from the hallway to pour into the room. She looked from side to side, her heart sinking when the only thing she saw was a corpse on a throne. _

_ She was going to die. _

 

Oh, her younger self didn’t know a damn thing, Integra thought, bittersweetly. That corpse… that wasn’t her damnation. He truly was her salvation. Ever since she saw the corpse at the very basement of the manor, ever since that monster drank her blood, ever since he had sworn fidelity, Alucard had been an extension of her very self. And while her emotions towards the vampire were mixed at best, she couldn’t accept that hollowness in her heart, the silence in the back of her mind. 

“You promised me you’d always serve me, you bastard.” Integra whispered. She approached the throne and collapsed on it, taking off her glasses, and tried to push back the tears that threatened to leak out of her only good eye. It was in vain, however, and Integra couldn’t help but feel just as helpless as she had, 20 years ago. 

  
  


_ You hold me without touch _

_ You keep me without chains _

_ I never wanted anything so much  _

_ than to drown in your love  _

_ And not feel your reign _

  
  


“Seras?” Integra murmured, not looking up from her book, but sporting a rather warm smile. Seras smiled at the sight - it was rare to see her master express happiness without bitterness. It was a quiet evening in the manor’s library, and the duo were sitting beside each other, enjoying each other’s existence, while reading their respective books.

“Yes, master?” Seras said, perking up. Integra dog-eared the page.

“Do me a favor? Find Alucard for me, I have something to show him.” Seras froze, and if she was human, she would’ve paled, but she simply tightened her smile and put down her book. Integra cocked her head, confused. “Is there anything the matter? It’s simply a myth I know he likes. A new retelling.” She elaborated, wondering if it was something she said.

Seras swallowed and took Integra’s hands in her own, making the other woman tense. Integra knew Seras only did this if she was about to tell the listener bad news like -

_ Oh. _

Integra swallowed, closing her eye. Seras squeezed her hand before pulling the other woman into a hug. Away from the eyes of her servant, Integra allowed a tear to leak from her eyes, and began to mentally curse her own weakness. When Seras let go, Integra had stopped crying, but Seras wasn’t stupid. She knew her master well, after all these years. 

“Master, I promise you can show him the myth one day, but not today.” Seras said, her voice so steady that it made Integra want to laugh at the absurdity. It had always felt like Integra should be the strong one, should be the person to soldier on even when everything had collapsed around her, but while Integra became hollow in her attempt to keep going, it was Seras who became the strong one. Somehow, that stupid little police girl… was so strong. “May I know what myth it is?”

Integra snapped out of her thoughts, a bitter smile twisting her lips. “The Myth of Sisyphus. The story of a man who smited the gods, only to be cursed to do purposeless work for the rest of existence.”

There were some days when Integra related a bit too much to that myth.

  
  


_ Set me free, leave me be _

_ I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity _

_ Here I am, and I stand _

_ So tall, just the way I'm supposed to be _

_ But you're on to me and all over me _

  
  


“...and so, I call this meeting of the Council of 12 to a close.” She concluded. She tilted her head at the 10 other knights at the table and collected her satchel to make her leave. On her way out, she avoided looking at the chair to her left, Sir Penwood’s unfilled chair. His wife’s knighting was in a week, and she would take over, as she was as skilled, if not more than, her husband in finances and war. And yet, he had insisted, in his will, that Integra and the Hellsing Organization become the leader of the table, rather than his wife and the Penwood Foundation. Integra still couldn’t believe it, but was touched by the man’s gesture.

Walking into the car waiting for her, she murmured a greeting to Maria, who smiled at her, and settled into a window seat, content on looking out the window without seeing a damn thing other than her thoughts. 

It had been her first time as leader. If it had been age-order, as usual, Sir Irons would have gotten the leadership position. But, after Integra conceded that she will give the leadership title down to Iron’s son when she retires (one way or another), the man had calmed. A part of her was proud of not choking a single time as she spoke the opening and closing speech, exactly the same way as Sir Penwood did, just to give tribute to him. 

 

_ “It has been an honor to serve by your side, Sir Integra.” _

 

His final words had never left her. And she tried to live up to those words in that meeting, and she hoped, wherever Shelby Penwood was, he appreciated the gesture. Yet, even with his kindness, Integra couldn’t help but feel more alone than ever. She knew exactly why.

_ “How was it, Master?” _

 

Somehow, Alucard had been in this car every single time she returned from a major meeting. He would calmly listen as her younger self ranted and raved about the “stuffy old men”, and add his own ideas and hums of affirmation when her older self mumbled about future plans. Most days, Integra knew Alucard enjoyed getting a reaction out of her, but those car rides were peaceful. Alucard knew that she needed that peace after those meetings. Alucard… Alucard knew a lot more things than he let on. 

 

_ “Master… you seem agitated.” Alucard said, after a moment of her silence. _

_ “I - Sir Irons is proposing cutting our budget. The Queen doesn’t agree yet. But… Irons is getting annoyed at how much attention we’re getting. He’s going to do something, Marjorie is going to spread nasty rumors about me again.” Integra blurted, allowing herself to slump back into her seat. Even if she was a tall, stoic teen, she was only 16. She was allowed to be frustrated at times. Alucard rested a gloved hand on shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze before falling back into silence and stillness, waiting for Integra to continue. Integra, however, was seized by an inexplicable desire for closeness, and grabbed Alucard’s hand, wrapping it with both her own, and rested her head on his shoulder. He froze, but then relaxed. _

_ “Alucard, why’re they so petty?” _

_ Alucard gave a small chuckle. “Because they’re human.” Integra pouted and flicked her pet vampire’s arm. “I jest, my Master. Perhaps because a teenager is doing their jobs better than they are.” Integra laughed. _

_ “I doubt that. I’m barely worth the Hellsing name.” She murmured.  _

_ Alucard turned to face his master, holding up her chin with the curl of his finger. His eyes were deadly serious, and Integra’s too-clear blue ones were confused. Just what was her servant doing? “Do not denigrate yourself, Master.” He said, voice soft, but firm. Integra wrinkled her brows, smiling slightly, bemused. “You believe I jest, but I do not. You are Integra Fairbrooks Wingate Hellsing, no common whore. Live as if every decision you made was the right one, publically. I do not call anyone but the true epitome of Hellsing my Master.”  _

_ “I-Thank you, Alucard.” Integra whispered, her throat suddenly dry.  _

_ She suddenly realized just how close they were, how she could see the mercurial flakes in his eyes, how she could smell that faint scent of metal and earth that followed him around wherever he went, how… how her heart only raced at such thoughts. Before she knew what she was doing, Integra leaned forward and placed a single, chaste kiss onto Alucard’s cold lips. _

_ Alucard froze, and Integra wondered just what the hell she just did, but a part of her couldn’t help but feel like that was the right thing to do. There was no one she trusted like Alucard. No one who knew her as well, except, perhaps, Walter, but even he was distant, in a way. “Master…” Alucard softly said. _

_ Integra pulled away and rested her head on his shoulder once more.  _

 

If they’d shared a few more kisses after other meetings, Integra would never tell. She knew nothing could ever come out of it, she was his master and centuries younger than him, not to mention his dead wife and his deep love for her still, but Integra always appreciated the comfort that came with his care. And perhaps, he had liked the comfort, himself.

It wasn’t like there was anyone else in the world for either of them, except each other.

  
  


_ Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile _

_ When I thought that I was strong _

_ But you touch me for a little while  _

_ And all my fragile strength is gone _

  
  


When the battle with the Valentine brothers had finished and the councilmen were back at their own manors, Integra had urged her servants and vampires to rest, telling them to take time to themselves to cope with what had just happened. Integra, however, couldn’t follow her own advice. In the back of her mind, her thoughts stang like enraged wasps, berating her failures as a leader, as a knight, as a Hellsing.

Although her features were stoic, her heart was drowning in a concoction of emotions she could never help to understand. As she walked through the manor, her eyes glanced over the bodies of the fallen men and ghouls, her mind unhelpfully supplying her with the names of the soldiers, and slowly, the cotton in her throat grew. She had failed all of these people, all of these humans, simply… simply because she wasn’t good enough. 

By the time she made it to the gardens, her legs were threatening to give from underneath her. Heeding their demands, she collapsed onto a bench, and rested her head in her hands, closing her eyes.

“My Master… you should be asleep.” Integra tensed at the sudden voice beside her, and began to laugh at his words. After she calmed, minutes later, she picked her head up and met Alucard’s scarlet gaze with her own, red-rimmed eyes. 

“How can I possibly sleep, knowing all these people died on my watch?” She asked.

Alucard winced slightly and sighed. “Master, they signed up for this job - they died in their line of duty, it’s hardly -”

“So it’s okay?” Integra snapped. “It’s okay that their families will never see them again for reasons they can’t even know, it’s okay that we lost so many to those… those damned  _ monsters? _ ” She hissed, glaring at Alucard. 

The vampire, however, didn’t react to her outburst, seemingly expecting it. “No, Master, but do not blame yourself for their deaths.” Integra shook her head, turning away from the vampire. She shouldn’t have expected him to understand. From what she knew of his history (mainly through her ancestors’ diaries), he had lost so many men, fought so many wars, that perhaps he had lost sight of what a human life had meant. No, it wasn’t perhaps, Integra knew for sure, the vampire was simply numb after all his years of being a monster.

Alucard, on the other hand, never strayed his eyes from her expressions, taking in the smallest of expression changes as he tried to understand just what his master was thinking. But, coming from the furrow in her brows and the steel in her eyes, Alucard could only assume it was bad. Sighing, he wrapped an arm around her and pressed her to him, startling her.

“Alucard -”

“Shh.” Alucard interrupted. “Simply be, until dawn. Then, you can go back to being strong.” He murmured, making Integra sigh and ease into him.

“Alucard?” She whispered.

“Yes?”

“Come with me to the graves tomorrow, will you?”

“As you desire, my Master.”

  
  


_ I live here on my knees _

_ As I try to make you see _

_ That you're everything  _

_ I think I need here on the ground. _

  
  


Nowadays, no one visited. Integra could remember, back in her youth, the very first time her Father had taken her here. He had with him a bunch of roses, and Integra couldn’t understand just what he had been doing, but he told her 4 year old self that she had to dress in the pretty black dress Walter got her last week, and that she had to be quiet. She wanted to ask why they were going, but her father had looked so serious and so sad, Integra didn’t want to ask him. And so, they exited the manor and began to walk.

 

_ What people didn’t know about the manor was that the woods was not the end of their property. In fact, Hellsing not only owned the woods, but also the cove of Dutch tulips Abraham Van Hellsing had planted himself at the end of the woods, just beside the stream. Her father often set traps around the area - he hated when people intruded on the tulip field - and warned Integra to stay away from there. The fact that he was taking her into those woods and showing her a hidden pathway to the tulip field only made her more confused. Eventually, she gained the courage to ask. _

_ “Papa?” _

_ “Yes, Integra?” _

_ “W-where are we going?” _

_ “You’ll see in a moment, precious.” _

_ And she did. In the cove between the woods and the river, hundreds and hundreds of tulips turned the countryside red, the red of her father’s cravat. Although Integra knew the place existed, she wasn’t quite ready for the site of it, and spent a good 5 minutes gaping and touching the flowers in awe before her father told her to follow him. She did, with a skip in her step, until they made it to three stone monuments in the middle of the field. _

_ The middle one, the largest wrote: “To All the Passed Hellsings. May the innocent lie easy for their efforts.” and had the names of all the heads of the organization.  _

_ The one on the right was the second largest, and wrote: “To the Soldiers of Hellsing. May they rest easy in return for their sacrifice and duty.” _

_ The final, the left, the smallest, wrote: “To the Broken Dreams and Ruined Wonder of Those who Fight for the Innocents’ Bliss.” _

_ Integra’s Father took a rose from the bundle and placed a rose at the center and left grave, but left the rest of the bouquet at the right grave. “Integra, promise me, you’ll never forget the sacrifices people make for justice.” _

_ “I promise, papa.” _

 

And she had never went back on that promise. Even now, she visited on the same day, every year, to pay her respects. After her father died, however, she showed the tombstone to the guards, Walter, and Alucard, who all occasionally paid their respects, although Alucard would come with her only. Seras had come, once, but after crying violently and leaving Pip’s hat on the rightmost grave, she had never returned, too hurt by her loss, even still.

And after Alucard left, after Seras didn’t come with her, Integra still took that mile long hike alone, with a similar bouquet of flowers, with a similar intention each time. Even now, when her hip ached from the movements and her worn body shivered from the cold, she came. Some days, she’d imagine Alucard beside her, her own shadow, her departed shadow, trusted to be with her until the end of time. 

Leaving the roses as her father always did - one for her ancestors, one for the cost of her duty, and the rest for the lives lost for her work - Integra whispered a prayer and departed from the field, wondering if she’ll ever have such a loyal a shadow again.

  
  


_ But you're neither friend nor foe _

_ Though I can't seem to let you go. _

_ The one thing that I still know  _

_ is that you're keeping me down. _

  
  


“I hate you.” She hissed, staring at Alucard’s raven coffin. It stood for an abomination in her eyes, and yet the hopeful part of her refused to get rid of it That part was sure that he was to return to her, one day. Her shadow would never leave her for too long.

_ But if he wanted to come back, wouldn’t he have done so by now, 25 years after leaving? _ She thought. Hissing, she drew her saber and slashed at the wooden beast, leaving vicious scratches all along it. 

“Where the hell are you, you lazy beast?!” She shrieked, her throat hurting from speaking so loudly after a life of softspoken barbs. “Where… where… You were supposed to be my salvation! Now, you’ve only damned me, you bastard!” She cried, and then dropped to her knees, throwing aside her saber. As she sobbed - loudly, for once, with a vulgar amount of heaving and shaking and agonized screams - she felt a part of her grow hollow.

“Master! Are you - oh.”

Integra faintly registered Seras picking her up with her single arm and taking her back to her bedroom, tucking her in, and letting her sleep. A numbed part of her thanked Seras for her help, but the Vampire said nothing, simply smiling faintly, emptily, and moving on with her own life. The part of her that burned in its own emotional hellfire, however, agonized not only about Alucard, but also about the coffin. It was marred, blemished, imperfect - and Integra felt terrible about it. Alucard had loved that coffin. 

Curling into a fetal position on her bed, Integra felt the weight of every single year she lived in, and goddamn, did she feel old.

  
  


_ You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah _

_ You're on to me, on to me, and all over me…  _

  
  


“You’re late.” She stated, her voice carefully emotionless. “You’re so, so, very late.” She whispered. Rising from her bed, Integra approached the windowsill. Her mind ran a million kilometers an hour, and her eyes refused to stay from the figure sitting on her bedroom floor, having snuck in mere moments ago.

“I’m sorry, my Countess.” The baritone words sent shivers down Integra’s spine, making her sigh and shake her head.  _ God.. I missed you. _ She thought.

She kneeled before him, cupping his face with a single hand as he had, so many years ago, so many lifetimes ago, and pressed a single kiss to his lips. He pressed into her, wanting, after so many years without her. Slowly, she pulled away, her gaze blurry and her throat filling with cotton. “You damned bastard, making me wait.” She whispered. “I hate you, some of these days.” She paused, swallowing. “But, regardless, Welcome home, my dear, darling, count.”

 

_ Something always brings me back to you. _

_ It never takes too long. _

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Hellsing
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> TBH Alutegra is not my main ship - Integra/Seras is. But when I heard this song, this was the first ship I thought of and I'm like, "yes, let me make myself sob violently over fictional characters." So yeah, song fic.


End file.
